Sitting here in my hotel room, going over some files from the last 20 years or so. It’s been a long time since I’ve read any of these, and looking over these files, especially the poems, I’m called back to a lot of the days and nights that now feel so alive and jumping, even though most of those nights were spent alone in my place(s) hammering out pages on my electric. A few of these came up off the page and stood on their own in front of my monitor, so I decided to post them here. Looking back on my twenties and early thirties, I have to laugh a bit at the levels of poverty and emotion, the feeling of the cassette player stopping and switching sides, the rising of the smoke from the ashtray, the liquor, the day-old coffee cold and the sounds of the other tenants walking, falling, fighting, or knocking on my door to use my phone or hide out from a fight that had brewed with their girlfriends. There was always a job, or a search for a job, there was always a feeling of waiting, even though now I can see that I wasn’t waiting for anything. I was getting the words down like a madman. Not a lot has changed. I no longer smoke and I no longer drink every night, or even every weekend for that matter. Once every few weeks or so, I tie one on and pay dearly in the morning. The point is, you get older and you start to value your mornings more than your evenings, you start taking care of your body, watching what you eat and drink because it will either make you or break you. It’s funny, really. Now that I make a living off the novels, which is fucking mind-blowing to me, even after years of doing it, I’ve noticed the core of the work remains the same, the same feeling is there for me. I’ve been getting back to the short story lately, and even the poem, though I hate the words “poem” and “poetry” because of the image they portray of the person writing them. Whenever I hear the word “poet,” I feel violent disgust, because I visualize what most mentally sound people visualize: some insecure, narcissistic asshole pretentiously writing a “poem” for others to read in order to pad his ego because his father didn’t hug him enough or his mother stopped telling him how good he looked. I contemplated a book of poems to submit to my publisher called Stories in Under Two Minutes or Less, but then I thought better. And while it’s justifiably true that “poetry doesn’t sell anymore,” in Dead Birds Hot, I sneaked in a few poems between the stories. It was fun for me. I felt like I was spiking the punch at a church social of sorts. In my next book, Gutted Rose & Other Stories, there are quite a few poems. The beauty of having a publisher smaller than the huge NYC houses is that they take risks, they gamble on content. They’re already braced for anything. I have to respect that fighting spirit. Here are a few short things I’ve found today that I wanted to post here. The first one is from way back when, the two that follow made the cut for Dead Birds Hot, and the last one is just ridiculous, but I remember laughing after I wrote it, drunk in 1997. Anyway, I was thinking about poetry this morning, and the fact that poetry doesn’t sell. I’ve even heard the phrase, “poetry is dead.” I would say the true poet is dead, but that’s just my opinion. All the poets I respect are dead, that’s for sure. That would have been a better way to say it. But fuck it, no reason to start treading lightly at 42.
***
Entertainment Tonight
sick in my apartment
bent over my coffee
table smoking
on the tube
there is a special
about actors
and their drug problems
my rent is due
in 3 days
and I am broke
2 final notices
in the mail
yesterday
one for the
electric
and one for the
phone
I haven’t been
able to leave
my place for
a week
I have half a
check
coming in from my last
job
and a blown head gasket
in my car
I sit
here and listen
about
the
dangers
of
cocaine.
***
Insomnia
the ghosts come sideways
diagonal
vertical
forwards
backwards
and up from the floorboards
angry fellows
one holds a clock
the other a ring
one a set of keys
two are cradling a marble coffin
and one has my face on a pole
my heart wedged in my mouth
that’s a new one, I think to myself
normally he just laughs at me
Christ, don’t tell me he’s running out of
ideas, too.
***
In Our Youth
we were lemmings against
the sun
the birch trees
laughed
and the water
held wonder
green shades
covered our hair
from the teeth
of age
and the captains waved from
cloud scorched horizons
and the wood
of the pier
was fresh
the dust clean
and cool
the girls were beautiful
and bright and loving
our tan
sculpted
bodies
locked together
free of charge
and money was optional
and morning was optional
dying a fairy tale
our skin pure
and uncombed
by addiction
our stomachs
a warm orange
our heart
an easy power
life was a theater
of experience
and the music smiled
and the sky told truth
and all of our
hands
showed
promise.
***
To The People Who Call Me An Egotist
The only merit which I can afford
you is that I can’t stop reading
my own poetry.
over and over
again and again.
I mean check it out.
Really.